How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
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[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.