Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet