@ieatanddrink

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

You Might Also Like

@laurab3

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

@chrischromak

trump: u gave hillary 3 scoops of ice cream & i only got 2
icecream guy: u ate the first scoop already
trump: ive never eaten ice cream ever

@HeyoShellz

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

@Puncroaker

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

@KaptainKoRnie

Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.

Work faster, whiskey.

@CaseyMichelle__

I know I’m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name

@Chhapiness

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

@EverydayGirlDad

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

@DaddyJew

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

@avainwordland

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?