It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
You Might Also Like
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”