It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

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“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.


trump: u gave hillary 3 scoops of ice cream & i only got 2
icecream guy: u ate the first scoop already
trump: ive never eaten ice cream ever


In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates


Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno


Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.

Work faster, whiskey.


I know I’m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name


Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack


As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.


“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household


Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?