It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”