Every girl who tried using telekinesis after watching Matilda reads tarot cards now
It’s so cold today a racist told me to go back to Pakistan and I just agreed with him
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How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[guy inventing licorice]
what if you could eat a tire?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Me: *waking up* Was the surgery a success?
Morgue attendant: *startled* Evidently it was.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
ME Okay, forget about it then