@nibz250

It’s so cold today a racist told me to go back to Pakistan and I just agreed with him

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@lzrdskyn

Every girl who tried using telekinesis after watching Matilda reads tarot cards now

@sageboggs

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

@WritePlay

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

@jobless4eyes

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: *waking up* Was the surgery a success?

Morgue attendant: *startled* Evidently it was.

@TitansHomer

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

@rob1792

Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”

@TheToddWilliams

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then