No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
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—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.