It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
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Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands