It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
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Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet