@KeetPotato

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

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@possibilyss

In hindsight, i shouldn’t have said ‘surprise me’ when the judge was about to sentence me

@causticbob

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

@frankiemuniz

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

@ravenswng_

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

@rickygervais

Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: “Which God are we thanking again?”
You’re welcome 🙂

@MomOnFire

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

@SimpsonsQOTD

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

@dshack8

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

@radtoria

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*