It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
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walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches