It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
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hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza