@SharpeBytes

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

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@d_duhwit

*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed.”
Doc:” Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now.”

@Manda_like_wine

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

@CloydRivers

If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

@MunkMania

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

@GringoBrulee

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”