It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
People buying plungers never look happy.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.