This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
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i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…