It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

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I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.


No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.


Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk


I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.


idaho is my favorite state that sounds like a woman who’s comfortable with her own sexual indiscretions


[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”


*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…


If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…


Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.


I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.