It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
You Might Also Like
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”