It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE