I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
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*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
This a good idea
Breaking news:
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
When you kidnap a writer.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious