Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
It’s so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house
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grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future
me: cut your carbon emissions
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
I say “fight me” a lot for a girl that’s 5’2″ and has a tough time opening some doors because they’re too heavy.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO