It’s so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house

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Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.


i’m going to harness the excitement of egg hunts this week by telling my kids the shoes they can’t find have candy in them


doctor: take it easy on your joints from now on

me: ok


me: [talking to my blunt] i’m sorry I called you fat


Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?


ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you


Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Me… Is it cause of the drugs?


the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they’re missing or you want them to be


Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.


Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick