@Sean_Burgundy_

It’s so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house

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@aka_fatman

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

@notmythirdrodeo

i’m going to harness the excitement of egg hunts this week by telling my kids the shoes they can’t find have candy in them

@climaxximus

doctor: take it easy on your joints from now on

me: ok

(later)

me: [talking to my blunt] i’m sorry I called you fat

@hazelmotes1

Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?

@SortaBad

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

@WeissBrandon

Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Cop:haha
Me:haha
Cop…
Me… Is it cause of the drugs?

@nachosarah

the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they’re missing or you want them to be

@AsgardianRose

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

@Mirimade

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick