dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
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911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
so, is there a mister shapen head