Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager
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ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen
“I like my women how I like my sunglasses…
Sitting on my face…”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Happy death anniversary to Library paste man, an inspiration to us all
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Flock of bats