@bugbucket

it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager

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@perlhack

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

@iliezabeth

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

@decentbirthday

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

@vvvolte

does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen

@ElCorf

“I like my women how I like my sunglasses…

Sitting on my face…”

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

@doktorj

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

@Deltamel1

Happy death anniversary to Library paste man, an inspiration to us all

@ArfMeasures

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back