Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
You Might Also Like
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.