me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
canadian assassins are called killergrams
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule