It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
You Might Also Like
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant