It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
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Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.