it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Bill is short for Billiam
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.