it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

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I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.


Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else


“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.


My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.


No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.


ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad


dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy


Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)


[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this


ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”