I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”