it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.