It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
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*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Goat cheese is for herders.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming