it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
You Might Also Like
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
One of the best
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams