@Staggfilms

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

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@TheAlexNevil

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

@envydatropic

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

@LostFelicia

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

@andreeahluscu

All I’m saying is that if M&M’s poured out of a person after you stabbed them, I’d probably lose my moral compass very quickly.

@Aikiwomannc

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

@954LeenO

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

@ANNIEwayyyy

Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.

@awescar

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

@MrAdamBez

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.

She calls me her sixty second lover.

… Wait.