It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
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TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?