Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
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The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
just having fun
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Every BBC series about the universe.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Beware of fowl play.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail