The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
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It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]