It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
You Might Also Like
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.