It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

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Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.


My mother should be forced to pay for my therapy and my grandma should be forced to pay for my laser hair removal.


[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready


I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.


Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.


Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.


Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.


My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.


A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching