It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

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[having sex]
Mmm…do that thing I like
“Uh…right now?”
Yes! Y’know I love it
“OK *kermit the frog voice* Yaaaay!”
Oh god. Now flail your arms


There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.


I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.


If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.


I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.


shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent


Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?


me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty


Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.


The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.