@trevso_electric

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

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@seriouslyemily

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

@infinitesimull

My mother should be forced to pay for my therapy and my grandma should be forced to pay for my laser hair removal.

@squirrel74wkgn

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

@ProBirdRights

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

@Jacksawyerr

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

@cbdoubleu

Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.

@Cravin4

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

@MarkAgee

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

@BoogTweets

A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching