“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
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Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
How animals would run if they were human
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.