it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

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Forgot to buy a gift for a friends Wedding. Luckily someone died at an intersection nearby so I scored a cool wooden cross and a teddy bear


“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.


My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?


My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.


There are 3 certainties in life
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to


You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.


When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.


a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected


She said: “I want to have your children.”
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”