it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
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Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.