23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
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*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Breaking news:
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.