It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
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My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Woke up with morning Yule Log
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”