@YourMomsucksTho

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

- @YourMomsucksTho

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@jessokfine

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

@Jason_Horton

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

@ChipKellysBalls

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

@DanMentos

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

@NoticablyBacon

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

@krisv_723

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

@delusions_of

That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.