It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
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Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.