It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
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My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Found the job I’m suited for
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Word!
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different