@justabloodygame

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

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@ItsAndyRyan

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

@0point5twins

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

@Darlainky

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

@mortimermaiden

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

@Scdavis24

Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.

@Sassafrantz

I don’t want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.

@ArfMeasures

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

@jimmy_sharpe

I’m not lazy. I’m just stopping the sofa from floating away.

@ChicksRule

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?