It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
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[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader