It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
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NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.