@UncleDuke1969

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

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@Brianhopecomedy

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

@roboticcrab

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

@theshantilly

Me: What’s w/the ice pack?

12: I have a headache.

Me: Do you think it’s a good idea to play video games if you have a headache?

12: Yes.

@RdrJay47

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

@BoogTweets

Me: Take this

My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?

Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”

@DaddyJew

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God

Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed

@lanyardigan

Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I’ve just always had a passion for making people feel bad

@_salt_n_lime

Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.

@Glynner85

I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax

@bobvulfov

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go