*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
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there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Me: What’s w/the ice pack?
12: I have a headache.
Me: Do you think it’s a good idea to play video games if you have a headache?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Me: Take this
My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?
Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God
Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed
Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I’ve just always had a passion for making people feel bad
Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.
I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go