It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
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Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Think I pulled my liver
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.