@BoomBoomBetty

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

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@ceejoyner

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

@DeadLioness

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

@ArfMeasures

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

@TheAlexP

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

@scottthetwat

Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.

@notacroc

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

@amazymay72x

Me: Will you-
Hubs: No
Me: Can you-
Hubs: Nope
Me: Are you-
Hubs: Oh no
Me: Sex?
Hubs: Yes
Me: Oh hell no…..

Communication is important.

@Coops_Bradley

Just found out I’m pregnant. At least that’s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.

@GroovyTasia

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?