It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
You Might Also Like
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Meow
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.