It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Previously On Persistence 😎
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.