It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
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ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”