Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
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How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
adam sandler’s wife is madam sandler
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[email protected] My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.