@LostFelicia

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

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@abhorrent_wife

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

@KentWGraham

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

@WhatevaConc

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

@fart

adam sandler’s wife is madam sandler

@TheTweetOfGod

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

@stewteee

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

@WalkingAnxiety

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

@shariv67

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

@mack44_d

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.