@AndyAsAdjective

It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.

You Might Also Like

@Z_Mendenhall

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

@anhonestmess

This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p

@GingaSnapppa

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

@brendanmcginley

Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.

@DrakeGatsby

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

@fro_vo

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

@prufrockluvsong

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

@NoogsCorner

Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.

@CatherineLMK

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.