It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.

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Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem


It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found


getting sick of watching movies where johnny depp dresses like a hobo. I blame him for russel brand


Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs


Me: ok reese’s eggs



Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!


I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.


Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year


Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.


MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers


Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man