Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.
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It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
getting sick of watching movies where johnny depp dresses like a hobo. I blame him for russel brand
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man