It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

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when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away


[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy


me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners


I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.


once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.


Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.


If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.


What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu


girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant