It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something