@JennaGuillaume

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

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@donttouchjames

when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away

@flashember

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

@KieranSoFar

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

@RickAaron

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

@MsEmilyEdwards

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

@AimeeHelene1

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

@StansaidAirport

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

@capnwatsisname

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

@Reverend_Scott

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO