It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
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if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.