@MichaelTrying
@TheMichaelRock
Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.
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@TheMichaelRock
@jollyrobber
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
@Book_Krazy
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
@whtedaisy
Hubs: How long has your car been doing that?
Me: ?
Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight?
Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.
@UncleDuke1969
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
@iwearaonesie
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
@Cycloptomese
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
@BonaFideIntent
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
@TheBoydP
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…