@MichaelTrying

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

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@shkeeber

Me: Whatcha making?

Mom: Dill bread.

Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?

Mom: Get out.

@krissywillbretz

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

@EliTerry

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

@weinerdog4life

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

@SuperJuanderer

If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses

@karencheee

wowww itโ€™s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring