It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
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Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Put the is in disheveled
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80