@MichaelTrying
@shkeeber
Me: Whatcha making?
Mom: Dill bread.
Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?
Mom: Get out.
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@shkeeber
@krissywillbretz
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
@chuck_facts
Chuck Norris tries this at home.
@EliTerry
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
@mactx85
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
@weinerdog4life
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
@SuperJuanderer
If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses
@karencheee
wowww itโs 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
@_Tempo11
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
@panmidwest
Note to self: I am a note