It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
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A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
he’s doing your taxes
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.